This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well-groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first, saying,

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come VOTE FOR HANK with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to vote for him anyway? It's not even an election day."

John: "If you vote for Hank, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll beat you up."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a multi-billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you vote for him."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. If Hank built and owns the whole town and can do whatever he wants, why does he even need to be elected to something? Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth voting for him just once?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come vote for Hank with us."

Me: "Have you already voted for Hank?" Mary: "Oh, yes, we sure did! And ..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he beats you up."

Me: "Do you know anyone who voted for Hank, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother voted for Hank for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't vote for Hank he'll beat you up."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you even vote for him?"

John: "Sometimes we just close our eyes and vote, thinking of Hank. Other times we vote for Karl, and he lets Hank know for us."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about voting for Hank. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to vote for him, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1. Vote for Hank and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Beat up people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Vote for Hank or he'll beat you up.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist beats people up just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says, 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says, 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says, 'Eat right,' and item 8 says, 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says, 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says, 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock...."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the idea is that two or more massive bodies may have collided early on during the formation of the solar system to create the Earth-Moon system. But not knowing exactly how the moon was formed doesn't have anything to do with whether it's made of cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists can never be sure, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying, 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But.... Oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

John [As Mary blushes]: "That's a clarification of Item 4. Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "Well, then, it's OK to eat hamburgers without buns? How about bratwurst?"

John: "Well, now, hold on. Let' s not make things more complicated than they have to be. Those kind of details are best left to the professional experts on Hank and his rules."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

John [Shouting, as Mary looks stricken]: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: [sticks her fingers in her ears] "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that...."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

John [catching Mary as she faints]: "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank beats you up I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll vote for Hank for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Presented at the March, 1999 Sunday Service of The North Texas Church of Freethought