This guy showed up at my front door the other day. I couldn't make heads or tails of what he was saying.

He told me that there's something that's a part of me. It's invisible, and it's in my body somehow. I asked him where it was in my body, and he said it wasn't really in my body after all. Anyway, he said that it was in peril somehow, like it was diseased or something. I asked him how he knew mine was sick, and he said everybody's was sick. We're born that way. I asked whether it was like the appendix and should I get it removed, but I don't think he liked that too much.

He said you can't get it removed, you have to live with it. I asked what it did for me in my body that made it so important that I couldn't get it removed. He told me again that it wasn't in my body, and I felt kind of dumb for asking. I asked him what it did outside my body, then. I don't think he knew the answer to that one because he started blinking a lot.

He told me there was a guy I could talk to who would fix it for free. I thought that was cool. I asked where I could find this guy. He told me this guy died a long time ago. I was bummed when I heard that because I figured now this guy was dead, I'd have to pay a lot of money to somebody else to get my diseased invisible thing fixed. He says not to worry, though, and he tells me this free fixer guy came back to life three days after he died. I had him repeat that a bunch of times, because that sounded really weird to me. That's what he said, though.

I asked him whether that meant the fixer guy was undead like in zombie movies, and he didn't like that question at all. I guess he doesn't watch zombie movies, which is ok, because some people are grossed out by them like my sister.

He said the zombie fixer guy walked around where people could see him for a while so that people would know he was undead. And I can believe that, because that's what I'd do if I were undead. I'd walk around and scare people. That's most of the fun of being undead. That, and bullets don't kill you. But this guy says after a while the zombie guy became invisible and sort of everywhere and not everywhere at once. We talked about that for a long time, and I got really confused, and I could see all the veins in this guy's neck.

Finally, we skipped over that and he said that if I wanted the zombie fixer guy to fix me, I could just ask him to and he would, because he can hear everything I say no matter how soft I say it. I wanted to ask how the zombie guy could hear me, but I guess I missed that part, and I felt dumb for asking so many questions.

Anyway, he gave me a card with some words to say on it. I didn't really understand what it meant, but I said the words, and it made this guy really happy I did, so I'm glad I said them. He told me I was fixed forever now, that the zombie guy had fixed me when I said the words. He gave me another card with an address on it, and he said I should wake up early on Sunday morning and go there and sit around with a bunch of people who were all zombie fans and ask the invisible zombie guy for more stuff like money and things. I said I guess I will, and he thought that was great. He went off all happy and stuff.

I guess I'll go, even though it's real early. Maybe the invisible zombie guy will get me a car. I could use a car.

Presented at the November, 1997 Sunday Service of The North Texas Church of Freethought