In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve and placed them in the shopping mall of Eden. And God said to Adam and Eve: "of all the stores in the shopping malls thou shalt buy, but of the ATM machine of the knowledge of good and evil thou shalt not take, lest ye die." And He gave them a Platinum Visa. And Adam and Eve lived in the shopping mall, eating in the food court, shopping until dropping upon a bed in Bed Bath and Beyond.

Now the serpent, a second mortgage salesman, was more subtle than any of the store clerks in the shopping mall. And he said unto Eve as she was trying a new dress: "Did you know that the new ATM machine also sells stamps, plane tickets and dispenses candy?" And Eve said unto the serpent, "We may shop at the stores of the mall. But of the ATM machine which is in the midst of the mall, God hath said, ye shall not use it , neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die." And the serpent said unto the woman, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye use the ATM machine, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing your net worth and perhaps choosing to invest in the NASDAQ instead of buying cheap trinkets in the mall." And so Eve used the ATM machine and also her husband. And the eyes of them both were opened, and their jaws dropped, and they knew that they were bankrupt, yea, that they were $50,000 in debt and paying a 20% APR.

And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the mall and Adam and his wife hid themselves. And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, "Where art thou? And why are you not shopping?" And Adam said, "I heard thy voice in the mall, and I was afraid, because I was bankrupt; and I had shoplifted." And God said, "Who told thee that thou wast bankrupt? Hast thou used the ATM machine, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not?"

And the LORD God said, "Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know his net worth: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of fractional reserve banking and shop forever." Therefore the LORD God sent Adam and Eve forth from the shopping mall of Eden, and he placed Security Guards at the entrances of the mall, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the money supply.

For four thousand years our ancestors suffered, barred from the shopping mall, and striving to pay off their Original Debt. But God loved His customers and wanted to sell to us, so he sent his only begotten son, Santa Claus, unto the Earth. Santa Claus was born on Christmas day in Bethlehem, where he was greeted by three wise men trying to pay off their debt, which after four thousand years had grown to enormous proportions. After a number of adventures in the fish and miracle medicine industries, he began work as a traveling salesman of the North Pole toy company. He went all over the world, selling the latest toys at the latest prices.

However, the Romans didn't like him. They thought he charged too much, and didn't obey the Roman government's toy selling regulations and zoning procedures. Too many of his toys were made of small parts that were a choking hazard or were flammable, sometimes exploding for no apparent reason (hence the phrase, "Cavaet Emptor").¹ One day they caught him speeding on his sled, charged him with drunk and disorderly driving, and crucified him (the Romans were really big on traffic laws). It is rumored that before he died, he said "I forgive you, for just $99.95."

But Santa's crucifixion miraculously paid off Original Debt for all who believe in him. For it was God's Divine Plan that neither the Romans, nor even death itself, could stop the power of merchandising. After three days Santa Claus rose from the dead, flew up to heaven on a helicopter, and promised he'll be back with more merchandise. We'll sue for libel anybody who spreads the malicious rumors that it was just an actor pretending to be Santa Claus, and that Santa Claus's skeleton was found in his grave some years later.

Since then, every year at Christmas we honor the memory of Santa Claus by celebrating economic prosperity and running up credit card debt. And every year Santa brings brings presents to all who believe in him. One day Santa Claus will bring not only presents but the End of the World. He will judge the living and the dead. Those whose credit card bills were always paid on time will be thrown into hell being greedy bastards. While those who owe more than $10,000 on their credit cards will caught up into heaven with Santa where all their debts will be forgiven whenever their monthly credit card bills become higher than their salary.

And we know Santa Claus is real, too. The proof is in the presents he leaves for those who believe in him.

Presented at the December, 2000 Sunday Service of The North Texas Church of Freethought

Notes

1 - A commercial principle that without a warranty the buyer takes upon himself the risk of quality. Back