The Almighty Creator of the Universe today issued a recall notice for all six billion human beings on planet Earth. Brain wiring problems are suspected of causing a dangerous potential for violence and mayhem. The announcement appears to be connected to several lawsuits filed only hours earlier alleging that God knew about the defects but failed to take any action to correct them. Additional legal action, also seeking damages for massive and horrific injuries caused by the defects, are expected to follow.

We take you now to a press conference in progress at Celestial Control, where a spokes-angel for Almighty God is responding to questions

ANGEL: " just not true that there was any delay. We acted as soon as we found out about this defect. Next question Yes, Cokie?"

REPORTER COKIE: "Why did it take thousands of years for you to discover these serious problems?"

ANGEL: "Well, God created many organisms that have been around for tens or hundreds of millions of years without any complaints from anyone. Just look at how perfectly adapted they all are! They're works of art! Now this one species ­ human beings ­ has only been out a million years or so and it happens that there are a couple of small problems. But now you listen to me because I'm only going to say this once: we did not know about these little wiring defects until just now!"

REPORTER COKIE: "Well then what's this business about 'Original Sin' ­ isn't that the defect we're talking about?"

ANGEL: "We're not here to talk about willful human misbehavior. Next question, Ron?"

REPORTER RON: "But weren't human beings supposed to have been God's crowning achievement, created in His own image? Isn't this a major setback for God's Divine Plan?"

ANGEL: "Well, uh, not necessarily maybe it's even part of God's Divine Plan. I mean, how can you know that it isn't? Uh Bob? Bob Woodwind."

REPORTER BOB: "What's with this flood business, then, sir? Isn't it a fact that God knew all about this defect from the very beginning but he tried to cover up his mistake by destroying all the evidence?"

ANGEL: "Well, Bob, uh, I think those are just unfounded rumors. I mean, uh, nothing has ever been proven, "

REPORTER BOB: "But why, then, were Noah and his family spared? Didn't God know that trying to salvage something of his botched job would just perpetuate the problem?"

ANGEL: "I'm not aware of that. In fact, I, uh was out of the loop on that one."

REPORTER BOB: "Well we have documentation that God admitted to it!"

ANGEL: "Oh, come on now, Bob! You know as well as I do that those 'documents' are just old hearsay of what Moses said Abraham said Noah said God said. You can't trust that!"

REPORTER BOB: "Is that a denial, then?"

ANGEL: "I'm not denying anything. God's Holy Word is the Absolute And Ultimate Truth and speaks for itself. Next question. Nancy?"

REPORTER NANCY: "What about the biblical 'prophets' that God recruited to try to deal with this problem? Did he really think that he could get humans to correct their miswired brains themselves?"

ANGEL: "Well, uh I don't know that you understand what you think I know I just meant to say, but there are just there are just a lot of a lot of paranoid nut cases out there, you know. These are people who would say just about anything to try to make God look bad."

REPORTER NANCY: "Well then what is the Bible supposed to be? Wasn't it intended to instruct humans on repairing their miswired brains, using their miswired brains?"

ANGEL: "Well now wait just a minute. Have you read the Bible in the original ancient Hebrew? I mean, the original Bible? I'm not talking about copies of copies of copies that have been translated into other languages. If you haven't actually read the book I don't think you should criticize it. I'm going to take Peter's question next "

REPORTER PETER: "Didn't God send his alter-ego brain wiring specialist Jesus to Earth some 2000 years ago? Wasn't he supposed to fix the situation by a process known as being 'born again?' And wasn't this Jesus brutally murdered by the defective humans he was supposed to repair? You're saying that God had no idea there was a problem even then?"

ANGEL: "Look, God knows everything. He's omniscient. There's nothing he doesn't know. And he loves everyone, even you, Peter. But you have to pray to him sincerely and ask him into your heart to be your personal Lord and Savior. You have to have faith that it's all part of his Divine Plan!"

REPORTER PETER: "Thousands of years of thefts, assaults, murders, wars, genocide, and all kinds of other horrific crimes are part of God's 'Divine Plan?' Floods, prophets, Jesus, and thousands of years of 'thou shalt not' rules, all of which were utter failures, are part of God's 'Divine Plan?' Hundreds of millions of people terrorized, brutalized, injured and killed ­ that's all a part of God's 'Divine Plan?'"

ANGEL: "Peter, you might just have a moral problem yourself. And you're not alone. There's a lot being said about this matter that's motivated by sheer hatred. We're well aware of that. And we're well aware of the vast anti-God conspiracy that's behind it all. It started as soon as God said 'Let there be light.' It's been one thing after another ever since and nothing has ever stuck and they're just mad about that. But let me repeat ­ and you should put this in your stories on this subject ­ that there has never been any proof to support these irresponsible allegations and baseless accusations. Now I'm only going to take one more question Sam?"

REPORTER SAM: "Sir, isn't this brain wiring problem in humans just the latest evidence of God's shoddy design, sloppy engineering, and substandard quality control procedures? Isn't it a fact that, long before God ever created humans, a third of all his angels were found to have a very similar ­ if not the very same ­ brain wiring defect? And isn't it a fact that God couldn't fix the problem and had to throw all the defective angels out of heaven, effectively setting a pack of crazed demons loose on an unsuspecting universe? For all you know, your brain may have been miswired!"

ANGEL: "That's three questions and a blasphemy, Sam. But I'm still going to pray for your soul. Thank you ladies and gentlemen."

Presented at the January 2, 2000 Sunday Service of The North Texas Church of Freethought